So, all this happened a few years ago. It brings back a lot of memories.
And now, we're on the third episode.
It's about whether or not I let you be my apprentice.
Even now, my mentor won't let me forget
when I went to him and said, "Please let me be your apprentice."
He asked me, "Why did you choose me?"
I thought my answer was a great compliment.
"Because you got style, man!" That's what I said.
I realized what I'd done later. He'd say, "You were so rude that day.
A school kid from Nara, telling me, 'You got style, man!'"
Every time he reminds me, my face feels like it's on fire.
I'm so embarrassed.
Do you remember a guy called Tonga? He was Master Knock's apprentice.
"Tonga" was the name...
I think I've heard of him.
He's infamous for this story,
Tonga had to make sure his mentor didn't hit anything as he parked the car.
So, he got out, went around the back, and his mentor reversed the car.
Tonga said, "Keep coming! Keep coming!"
"Stop!" That's what he said. His mentor said, "Too late, idiot!"
He got a severe scolding.
And he was an assistant at the theater, just like you were.
That's before he became an apprentice to Master Knock.
One day, Tonga had to tell my mentor, Matsunosuke, it was time to go on stage.
But instead of "Matsunosuke," Tonga said,
"Matsuno-stupid, you're next."
"Who the hell are you calling 'stupid,' idiot?"
Master Yuki got angry with you like that when you did your trademark gag, right?
-He grabbed a knife... -A knife. That's right.
-He ran after you. -He was yelling, "Fucker!"
He chased me all around The Nanba Kagetsu.
There were dozens of people lined up.
He didn't know when people said to you, "Do your best,"
you always replied with a rude "You do your best" as a joke.
And so...
When you first met, Master Yuki said,
"Your name's Onishi, eh? Do your best, kid."
So, you said, "You do your best." And that made him yell,
"Who the hell do you think you are?"
-Then he ran after you with a knife. -He did.
It happened with Master Yasushi, too.
They made me say, "Hey, you're on. Get your ass downstairs."
You said, "Get your ass downstairs"?
-I was the theater assistant... -Who made you say that?
Master Botan.
-He said, "Upstairs is..." -"There's a guy called Yasushi"?
"There's a dude called Yasushi upstairs."
So, I was...
If you didn't do it, you'd get in trouble. That's how it was.
-I had to obey, so I went upstairs. -To Master Yasushi's dressing room?
I knocked on the door.
"Hey dude, you're up."
"Who the fuck are you?"
-He put down his One Cup. -A glass of rice wine?
But it went,
I went back, soaked in wine and said, "Master Botan, I got told off."
He said, "No shit."
You're the only one.
Nobody would ever say to Master Yasushi, "Dude, you're up. Move it."
No matter how much of an idiot you are...
You're lucky he didn't kill you.
That would've been it.
Let's get on with the show.
-Episode Three. Ready? -Bluey.
You're amazing.
YAMASHITA'S DINER
Riko?
-You're after that girl? -Yes.
-She left. -She left?
I don't why, but she said to give you this.
-"Pork, radish--" -Wrong one.
Must be this one.
Ain't it nice to be young.
YAMASHITA'S DINER - MISTRESS
Good luck!
Dear Onishi.
Sorry for leaving so suddenly.
But I decided this was for the best.
While I was waiting for you, I thought about a lot of things.
This is how I feel.
I'm scared that if you're nearby, I'll let you spoil me.
So, I'll go to Tokyo by myself.
The way you offered to come was the sweetest.
We'll be apart, but let's both do our best.
And one more thing,
When I was a kid, I had a dog.
It was a bulldog, but it looked a bit like a monkey.
I called him, "Gengoro."
When you smile, you look just like Gengoro.
I really like that.
Gengoro...
And another thing, Onishi...
I've been on stage with many different comedians and actors,
and that's lead me to one conclusion.
The biggest stars put in the most effort behind the scenes.
The thing is, they don't want people to know.
The wings at The Kagetsu...
They are a great place to learn.
In the evening, we have TV shows for kids.
They're innocent, and that's quite fine.
But amongst those shows, there's one I find particularly enjoyable.
I remember it fondly.
It's a cartoon called Tensai Bakabon.
It really was funny.
The episodes had titles like "Open Day is Tough on Dads!"
And you know the character who lives next door? He's always cleaning.
He would ask, "Are you going somewhere?"
"I'm going to school." "Oh, oh, oh and oh!"
I don't know who invented such a fun way of talking...
That is one fine man.
-...if we all spoke like that... -Who is that guy?
You don't know? He's Sanma's mentor.
His mentor?
"Dinner din-din."
He's Matsunosuke Shofukutei.
"I hate this-this."
Sanma doesn't need to do this anymore.
What a fine young man.
He's greedy.
He's trying to steal even more of his mentor's art.
"Why don't you have some?" he said.
What shrewd eyes.
Well, I could talk some more. But this is enough.
Thank you.
Mentor, that was an amazing show.
That was another valuable lesson.
How's life?
-Why did you stop me? -You are so insensitive.
The mentor and his busy apprentice.
It's a rare chance for them to spend a moment alone together.
Idiots like you can't ruin it. Got it?
You don't get it?
Let's say you're with your girlfriend.
You want to be alone together,
but Shoji shows up. Would you like that?
-No, I wouldn't. -Right?
-What if Tossan came? -That would be worse.
That's what I mean. Nobody's welcome.
Got it?
Why do you always need explanations?
What a troublesome kid.
EPISODE 3
I didn't...
I didn't have any idea.
None at all.
I have to apologize.
I have to...
I have to apologize!
What about me?
THE NANBA KAGETSU THEATER
Master Matsunosuke is leaving!
Mentor, thank you for today's valuable lesson.
Sanma, I enjoyed catching up with you, too.
-Please allow me to see you off. -You're busy. I'll be fine.
And I know the way. I'm not a kid.
But, mentor, what if you're going senile?
Don't talk like an idiot!
I'm sorry. Who are you again?
Mentor, you haven't gotten rusty yet.
I don't need you to tell me I'm good. Bye!
-Great job, sir! -Great job, sir!
THE NANBA KAGETSU THEATER
-Is Mr. Sanma here? -You again? What is it?
-Mr. Sanma! -He's probably still in the dressing room.
That producer from Yomiuri TV asked about Onishi again.
What did he say?
He said, "We want to cast that new kid Mr. Sanma talked about on Young Town."
-Don't let him. -I thought so. I already turned him down.
But, don't you think it's a waste? It would be a great chance for Onishi.
It's too soon.
He's not ready to take the plunge.
He doesn't know what he wants to do.
His heart's just not in it.
If he goes on TV like that, you know what will happen.
Studios and stages are battlefields.
If you bomb once, you're gone.
Gone, all gone Hope is nay
"Nay"? That's the sound horses make.
I think I'll take that, Shoji.
No way! How dare you!
See? Onishi doesn't love comedy the way you guys do.
-Does he want to be a comedian? -He doesn't have the guts yet.
I've had the guts for a long time, but it's not working.
He's not as tough as you guys are.
If there comes a day when he can make people laugh,
without anyone's help, then he can go on TV.
That's all there is to it.
If he has to rely on me to make them laugh, it won't work.
Big Bro...
-Sorry for always relying on you. -Forget about it.
Same for me.
You're just copying him. Say it properly.
-Please... -What?
What's this? I thought you quit.
-Please... -Spit it out.
Please...
Take me as your apprentice.
What?
I swear...
I will cut my guts!
-You'll commit seppuku? -I'll chop off your head.
-Don't cut your guts. Just have them. -Okay.
I will have a stomach full of guts!
Young Boss.
I want to... I want to study a whole, whole, whole lot.
I respect you the most.
I want to be the most close.
And then...
I want most to be a cool comedian, just like you.
So... I beg you.
Are you serious?
Yes.
It won't work if you're half-hearted.
Yes, sir.
Will you do it properly? Without running away?
Yes, sir!
I see.
Then you'll have to find a mentor.
I don't take on apprentices.
Give up. Onishi.
Hey!
Why not?
-Why what? -Why-oming.
Not now. Can't you tell?
Sorry.
Why can't I become your apprentice?
-I made a rule of it. -About what?
-I don't take apprentices. -Who doesn't?
-Me. -Me-ssissippi!
Shoji!
-I wonder why you're not a star. -Shut up!
Why not? Please take me on.
I said no!
Why? Why not? Why don't you take apprentices?
Why? Why? Why? Shut up--
You said you would!
No, I didn't!
What?
I'm going home.
-Sanma, what about dinner? -Go eat by yourselves, idiot!
Why? Why not? You said we'd go to dinner!
I've had enough of you asking me, "Why?"
Why?
-Why not? -You said we'd have a BBQ!
-I don't have any money. -Neither do I!
This is your ticket to Tokyo.
-I'll give it to you now. -Thanks.
We'll decide later whether you stay overnight.
You'll be sitting next to The Bonchi on the way.
I'll catch up with Big Bro Osamu?
I heard Osamu took on another apprentice.
He has three now.
I take my hat off to Big Bro Osamu.
The kid went to his house every day for three months.
Mr. Osamu said he was too touched to refuse.
I hate stuff like that.
But Onishi's slowly sneaking in on you.
It doesn't matter how many days he tries. Even years.
Nobody will ever move me.
Great job, sir.
Why isn't it working?
You lousy fiend... I'm lousy in bed. Applause!
You have to think of a funny angle.
I'd only take an apprentice who tried something funny.
They want to be funny men, right?
And mentors need to be responsible. I can't take that. I'm only half a man.
You're only "half a man"? What would you call the newcomers?
They just need to try more. You can try forever, if you love it.
Am I wrong, Hibi-yan?
I'm hungry!
Mr. Sanma, you really do love comedy.
I was just looking for something I could be crazy about.
You're crazy about it?
I sure am.
And it takes all I have.
SHORT RIB
-Here's your short rib! -Thank you!
Rib eye for you!
Onishi, that short rib is ready.
It's not cooked yet.
What a detailed act, Shoji.
-Ouch, it's hot! -You're the actor, too!
-Funny, right? -Delivery here!
Sorry for the wait. That's 800 yen.
Here you go.
-I'll pick up the plate later. -As you must.
Mr. Okure! The salted tongue's ready.
Keep the tongue. I'll just have the salt.
-The meat's too tough. -You're such a connoisseur!
You bombed, and you're eating?
This is a treat! We have matsutake mushrooms.
You drew good pictures. When do you get your soul back?
Why doesn't he take on apprentices?
He probably has reasons we wouldn't understand.
What about Yoshimoto's new school?
Yeah, NSC. It's a comedy academy, right?
Why don't you go there?
Do I have to give up becoming an apprentice?
Of course! Young Boss said so.
Why? Why not? I don't like that.
I don't like your chances, but...
Maybe you need to push more.
OSAKA TV
Good morning! Please make me an apprentice.
Can't you think of something new? Go back to your nest.
-Please make me an apprentice. -No way!
Good morning.
Hold on!
-Are you the police? -We're security.
Big Bro Osamu.
Thanks for the other day.
We spoke all the way to Tokyo. It was fun.
BONCHI OSAMU
-You're shooting, too? -Yes...
Big Bro, do you remember what I talked about on the train?
-Would you be able to make some time? -Sure thing.
You've got it tough.
I will call you.
-Any time. -Thank you.
See you.
Are you serious?
I've come to haunt you...
Sorry.
Are you really serious?
Yep. This is just between us. You can't tell anybody.
Young Boss is...
gay.
If you still really want to be an apprentice...
You know what.
Your timing is perfect, Sanchan.
-What the heck do you think you're saying? -Yes?
Hold on.
Yes?
Young Boss...
Go for it.
What's your problem?
Make me... your apprentice.
Was that all Big Bro Sanma said?
When Mr. Sanma makes up his mind, nothing can change it.
He must really hate you.
I know that Onishi kid you talked about.
Looks like a monkey, right? He swore at The Nanba Kagetsu.
That's right. Sorry for pushing such a kid onto you.
But, isn't it time you had an apprentice of your own?
I'm not a big enough man to have an apprentice.
I'm not that big a man myself.
But, Big Bro...
you're kind.
Can I ask you this favor?
But I already have a bunch of apprentices.
Please, I'm begging you.
Bonchi Osamu is doing what?
I thought I should let you know.
What the hell?
He's only taking him on because Mr. Sanma asked him...
If Osamu's so bored he's gonna look after that monkey,
he should do more shows and make us more money.
Sanma, too.
Starting today, you're gonna be Big Bro Osamu's apprentice.
This is my apprentice, Yuji.
-Howdy. -Howdy.
He's your Big Brother. Be more polite!
-Do your best. -You do your best.
-Idiot. -Sorry.
-This is what he's like. -He's a funny kid.
-Mentor, I'll leave for your home first. -Thanks.
Thanks. Take care.
Why don't they laugh?
Watch out! Watch out!
Damn kid! What're you doing?
Be careful.
-I'm sorry. -Keep your eyes open.
You have to do things properly. Got it?
I don't get it.
Like I said, you're going to be Big Bro Osamu's apprentice.
-Why is he gonna be my apprentice? -Wrong way around!
You are going to be his. He'd get worse.
I asked Sanma to do this.
You seemed like a funny kid. I wanted you.
I see.
I'm counting on you, Onishi.
Onishi. Onishi!
Big Bro said he's counting on you. Bow to him!
-It's an honor. -That's better.
Listen to what he teaches you. I've got more work in Tokyo, so I won't come back that often.
As an apprentice, your mentor is god.
If he says that a square is a circle, it's a circle.
If your mentor says crows are white?
If they're white...
they're seagulls.
-This is Onishi. -Oh, I get it. They're doves.
Whichever. Shall we go?
-Let's go. -Go with him.
-Thank you. -Sure.
Get going.
That was tiring.
-Onishi. -Yes?
Forget about me.
Got it?
Also...
be careful when it comes to women.
We both have to be.
Bye.
Do your best.
You do your best, too.
You scared me, Big Bro.
I don't know the details. But it sounds like you've got it tough.
I do.
And...
Dammit.
Big Bro, I have some.
-What do you smoke? -Lark.
-They're too strong. -Only a little.
-No way! -Oh, come on!
"Oh, come on"?
You like that? That's a cheap laugh.
This is what sells.
WHAT APPRENTICES ARE
-Mentor! Sorry about the wait! -What the hell took so long?
Onishi! You ate a piece!
You ate your mentor's pork cutlet?
Pork cutlet, pat, pat!
Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry.
-What is it this time? -Well...
I told him to clean up, but apparently he's an obsessive cleaner.
He's not making any progress.
-Let him take his time. -But...
Don't get angry. Okay?
EAT WELL, EAT SEAWEED RAMEN
-See you again. -Thank you.
Thank you.
Nice working with you.
Nice pop-star smile! Very cute. Sing your heart out!
Do your best.
-Yo, Sanma! -Mr. Kamio!
-Who's the big star now? -I ain't doing that good.
-Good morning. -Good morning.
I have a little something to share just between us.
What is it?
I'm making a new show. It starts next month...
I'd love you to be part of it.
I'll do all I can. Of course.
Really? That's great to hear!
Then we've already won the battle.
-Looking forward to it. -Counting on you today too.
Of course.
-Great job. -Hello.
-Here's your schedule. -Thanks.
You'll be in Tokyo for a while.
You'll return to Osaka sometime next week.
-Hibi-yan. -Yes?
Is that idiot doing things properly?
You mean Onishi?
I hear he's doing his best. But he still messes things up big time.
As he long as he's happy.
But I think he'd rather be here with you.
That won't last long.
Big Bro Osamu is so kind, he'll forget all about me.
You think so?
Of course. If he doesn't, I'll be in trouble.
-Okay, goodbye. -Bye.
Take care.
-Take care. -Don't slip.
Thanks.
Keep the change.
He's by himself?
But he might go out later.
Quit waiting around here. Nothing's going to happen.
Get out of here.
After this I have a shoot for Bubble Present.
THE NANBA KAGETSU
I want you to go home and look after Misae.
-Look after Misae? -His wife!
-Okay. -She gets in a bad mood when I'm late.
Look after her, okay?
You can do it.
NAGASE
Don't you think he's so mean?
We got married so we could be together.
OSAMU'S WIFE - MISAE
But he never comes home to me at all.
Don't you agree, Onishi?
Yes. I agree.
I have no idea why he wouldn't come home.
Right?
Huge.
Huge?
What is?
It's nothing.
Hello?
Oh, Osamu?
What? You're still working?
You are so mean.
If you're too late,
I'll have an affair with Onishi.
Okay. Bye.
The filming hasn't finished yet.
Are you sure it's okay?
What are you doing?
You said you would have an affair with me.
Idiot! That was a joke!
I'm sorry!
Is this true?
Who knows? The tabloids are full of lies.
Welcome.
Onishi, what's wrong?
-Did you catch... -No... Broccoli.
"Bro-broccoli"?
-It's nothing. -You got broccoli down there?
-Seen this? -What about the broccoli?
-What is it? -Broccoli!
Where is it?
JAPAN'S DIRTIEST STAR GOODBYE CAREER!
-They sure blow things out of proportion. -All the girls want him. What can he do?
Look! Is his career over?
It's just a tabloid. They write what they want.
Whether it's true or not, your concern won't make anything better!
Welcome!
Ms. Asami...
-Don't blame me! -You suck!
-That belongs to the cafe. -I didn't do it.
This is trouble!
Young Boss is in big trouble!
-Hey. -Hey!
-He's here! -Mr. Sanma!
-Watch out!
-Mr. Sanma? -Please stand back!
Can we have a comment about that article?
Will you hold a press conference?
As for a press conference...
It's Kenji Sawada!
-Mr. Sanma! -Mr. Sanma!
Please give a word to your fans!
What should I do? What if Young Boss loses his fans?
What should I do?
Hey, you! Me?
I can tell.
REIKA THE FORTUNE-TELLER
You are troubled.
How did you know?
Abracadabra!
The spirits can solve your troubles with ease.
-Do you have time? -I do!
Okay.
Come this way.
Amazing!
FAREWELL FEMALE FANS!
JAPAN'S DIRTIEST STAR
You're six-timing?
For real? Hibi-yan, you're still such a straight.
They just strung these unrelated photos together.
Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how you do it.
I want to know, too! They sure had fun writing this.
Shall we make an official complaint? No. It would never end.
We should have fun with it, too.
It's all about fame. The more they write, the more I earn.
HOUSE OF FORTUNE-TELLING
IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE, THE SPIRITS WILL TALK
I can hear them?
OPEN YOUR EARS
Sorry for the wait.
I must apologize. The place is such a mess.
It's beautiful.
Very beautiful.
So...
I want you to give me all the details.
Okay.
Young Boss is in trouble.
So, I want to do something.
-I have to save Young Boss. -Young Boss?
Is that your friend? It's Mr. Sanma.
Mr. Sanma?
Yes.
You mean, Sanma Akashiya?
Yes.
I see. Mr. Sanma...
They're all working late.
It would be better if you stayed inside tonight.
You should eat here, too.
-I guess it can't be helped. -I'll pick you up tomorrow.
Please stay inside until then.
Sorry about this, Hibi-yan.
Good night.
-Good night. -Bye.
-...he's the man of the moment. -No girl would leave him alone.
But Mr. Sanma sure is popular.
Indeed. I'm sure that right now,
he's enjoying another night surrounded by women.
I'm having fun.
I'm slurping noodles all by myself.
It's great! It really tastes great!
We won't steal your meat. Just chew it.
Take this notebook and talisman. Keep them on you at all times.
Okay.
Pray to the talisman every night.
You must also focus your soul.
Then if you write your wishes in this notebook,
they shall all come true.
Does it really work?
Definitely.
However,
the talisman and the notebook have been given their power by a holy monk.
They are a little expensive...
I don't have any money.
-Don't go! -Sorry?
I...
You have a guardian spirit. He is a very noble one.
Maybe, but... I...
I want to know... all about you.
Teach me. Tell me everything.
About me?
I want to know...
every... single... thing.
So, things like that happened, too.
The script used a bit of what they call "artistic license" there.
The role became a "Fortuneteller."
But in reality, it was a religious organization.
-Yes. -Right?
They tried to recruit you.
There was a comedian who was a member of a certain religion.
He was highly ranked.
And he wanted to bring in as many new followers as he could.
-So, he tried to recruit you. -Yes.
And then...
-He said he'd get you a girlfriend. -Yes.
He promised to introduce you to a girl, so you joined his religion.
-Yes. -Right?
And you took their talisman and stuff and buried them all.
There was an elementary school opposite my house.
So, at the tree... Under the tree... I buried them.
-Because of your mom. -She told me off.
She said religions are not that easy to join.
And she was angry because you were from a different denomination.
She said, "They're a different sect. So... Make them give it back..."
-She said, "Give those things back!" -Yes.
But I couldn't give them back because he was my superior.
Because he was your superior? Because he got you a girl!
What kind of religion is that? "If you wanna meet a girl, join us!"
Yes. And one year later, I had to give the talisman back.
-You had to give it back? -He said I must.
So, what did you do?
I dug up under the tree, but... All I could find was the stick.
So... I took the stick back, and he said,
What the hell did you do?
The gods will punish you for this!"
And guess what. The gods really did punish you.
That's who this guy is.
-So, that episode was true, too? -Yes.